Pieces of my fucking heart

 

so this is what i am getting my ex-boyfriend for his birthday … a bag full with all the crap that reminds me of him and the time we had together

he does not even deserve the gesture

maybe someday you might read this and if so i want you to know that even though you threw everything away (includes probably the stuff in the bag), i will never stop caring about you or any other damn thing we went through for that matter. this was all a part of me … and for fuck’s sake yours too. so you better stop screwing everyone that cares for you and open your eyes to see the bullshit you’ve caused and face reality. she is using you. she is hating you. in fact she is disgusted by you. and you are a dickhead for believing she will ever change and become what i was to you. no one is ever going to sacrifice shit for you anymore. no one is ever going to love you like i did.

the worst part: you know all of this is true

but you just don’t care

well … neither do i anymore

happy birthday lonely boy

Nirgendwo

i think i wrote this when i was 15. sadly it still is relevant

Und benebelt blicke ich aus dem Fenster,

Und ich drücke mein Gesicht tiefer in den Spalt,

Denn unten verkrampft sitzt der

Inhalt meiner Träume auf dem Asphalt.

unter uns dicht im -

Unbeachtet fühlt er sich und alleine,

Umschlungen von erdrückendem Nebel,

Donnerkrach und er zieht den Hebel,

Immer wenn das Graue weicht ins Reine.

unter uns dicht im -

Unerkannt möchte er bleiben,

Unsichtbar für die Augen anderer,

Dennoch spür ich dieses unerträgliche Leiden

Im Herzen wenn er wieder fortgeht wie ein Wanderer

Unbeschreiblich ist die Sehnsucht

Uns in den Armen des anderen zu wissen,

Doch auch wenn es uns trifft wie die Wucht,

Irgendwo im Nirgendwo wirst du mir wieder entrissen

snap brain-image

 

so i’ll spear you my sucky intros and just show you what popped out of my pool of imagination during class

and of course i am sorry that no one reads this blog and that i am a lousy blogger – there you go --- one bad-ass entrance :)

it says: for all i know, the universe might just be a fucking cube

Count it down

 

so, my birthday is getting nearer with each depressing day

there might be the one or other day, when i think it is getting lighter in the dark

these days are marked by him

he for one is the reason why i am happy

and sad

at the same time

so i’ve reached adulthood

why can’t life stop being a moody teenager?

 

a shock stroke and left this

whether it will be good or not

so it was with a yelp that i realized how much this blog actually sucks

for those who had the exquisite pleasure of reading some of it i honestly have to apologize

so much has happened since i have posted the poem and even more since that last more detailed entry

i am sorry indeed

although i still think that this blog isn’t that well read, i do know some people who have looked through it and those are the ones i have let down

please scratch me … hard

the poem i have written in november last year, was on the spur of a pure, splendid and creative moment and it has been long since i last had one of those blasts

it all happened in october, when i started college in graz

believe me, it was one hell of an adjustment

all happened so fast

it was just a question of time when the homesickness would get weaker and the blitheness  and excitement of leading a life in an unknown city would kick in

it took me quite some time to get used to living alone

you can imagine how it was

but i’ll spare you the uninteresting little details of how i cooked my first meal in a kitchen that i share with another 40 people or how i read The Time Traveller’s Wife instead of checking out the neighbourhood during my first days as a student

it was a time of unsteadiness and unfamiliarity

when still living with my parents, all i wanted was to get out and explore the world

when given the opportunity to, who would have thought i’d  be scared of the unknown

but weeks have passed and finally i can say that i am more than comfortable with my new life

i even started to bemoan my initial reaction

thanks to one person, all i want is to stay put and not move a single inch, for i believe that every step away from them would be one in the wrong direction

first semester is over but the hardship is not

it was nothing like i expected and for that i am thankful

weird

i feel like a totally different person when i look in the mirror though i still look the same

it all just takes some time getting used to

i hope to keep you updated on my life alone

damn

i should have done that some time ago

a Poem

 

This world craves for needs

For desire

For peace

It shall preserve what it lacks

For the time might come

When possibilities no more exist

Close your eyes and do not see

Shut your heart and do not feel

Become friends with your useless

Brains

The truth might just be five

Breaths

Inhale

Otherwise no chance for forgivness

And a lot of pointless games

 

November, 9th  2009

Ditching makes me cold

 

listen for yourself if you are that cool

my very first podcast … you may cheer

and I beg you … please leave me a nice, well-wishing comment.

i will be very grateful --- like forever

ps: can someone please tell me how to upload mp3 in a more convenient way? thanks